Home‎ > ‎

LORE

For those less familiar, there is a series of roller skating lore that most skaters know about, if they've been skating long enough. Out of respect for those 'newbies' who haven't learned from experience, we decided to gather together some highly valuable roller skating lore here to help educate you and prepare you for your future roller skating years. Learn and enjoy! :-)
 
1) GREMLINS: itty-bitty, green, big-eared, mischievous creatures .... much like the kind of gremlins that cause havoc with motorcycles and airplanes. That little pebble that tripped up your skate and sent you flying into the swamp next to the trail? Put there by a gremlin. That night at speed skating practice when your skate kicked the wall and you fell? Yeah, that was actually a gremlin hiding in the cracks of the boards that grabbed your skate. The time that your kingpin broke in half and gouged a huge rut in the rink floor? A gremlin set that up... he was hiding in your skate bag right before you put your skates on. The little kid that skated out in front of you during session? A gremlin pushed her out onto the floor. If you want to get rid of them you must find a way to keep them away from your skates. They don't like bells or squeaky noises, so if you have a gremlin bell or can manage squeaky wheels then you are good to go. If you aren't up for that, then the next best option is something insanely bright and gaudy. They don't like fluorescent colors either. So try neon green shoelaces... that might work too. Hey, why do you think pom poms were so popular back in the day???
 
2) THE FAIRY ROLLER GODMOTHER: there IS one. Don't question it. I know it for a fact. She's visited me personally! Call it random acts of kindness, call it paying it forward, but all in all, it's really The Fairy Roller Godmother (or FRG for short). She's the one who magically puts an extra set of laces in someone's skate bag the same night that your laces break at session. She's also the one who waves magic 'generosity' dust over top of rink owner's heads when you forget your wallet at home and they let you into the rink under the pretense that you'll 'pay twice next time'. Remember that one guy who handed you a bag of bearings and said "Go ahead, keep 'em. I was wanting to get a new set this weekend anyway"... yup, that was the FRG. She works in mysterious ways and always finds a way to encourage anyone on wheels to be generous to each other and bids good-will to all her skater children. If you are good little roller girls and boys, she will find time to come visit you, too! I've heard she spends extra attention to those that sleep with their old skates under their pillow, wishing for new skate parts. But don't ever say that I called her a saint... she cusses like a sailor when her skates get caught up on your toys/legos/dirty socks in the middle of the night. So keep your floors neat boys and girls!
 
3) ROLLER SHEEP:
Many a times there have been skaters who struggle with counting laps when learning to speed skate (and especially when learning to relay!). For those who struggle for countless hours at night, beating themselves up over a lost race because they left the floor early, there is hope. Just call for the 'Roller Sheep'!! They are cousins of the Serta sheep, but they prefer aggressive skating to just jumping, and usually skate on their hind legs, not all fours. They also have purple wool coats and wear their helmets and pads like all good roller sheep should. To practice counting laps, simply call on the roller sheep, and they will bless your dreams with 50 laps of fence grinding behind your eyelids. Just remember to always count backwards.... 50 laps, 49 laps, 48 laps, 47 laps...  
 
4) Rink Leprechauns: These are actually very hush-hush, as spotting one is extremely rare. They hide in the bathrooms of roller rinks, and are so tiny that they use the toilet seats to skate around on. They prefer the 'banked track' feel of the toilet seat to the actual rink skating floor. They don't like to be discovered, and they always hang out in pairs. There is always one on the lookout for incoming skaters with full bladders, and if they see you going towards an 'occupied' toilet seat, they are super fast and will dash in front of your skates and try to make you stumble. This distracts you from seeing them skating on the toilet long enough for them to hide behind the toilet plumbing. HOWEVER, if you are lucky enough to catch one off guard and make him fall into the toilet water, rescue him quickly!!! For if you do, they will reward you with a corvette, a life-time pass to an amusement park, and $000000000000,00000000000 dollars.
 
5) Rikey the roller skating spider: Just heard about this the other day. Will update when I have more information.
Comments